Weary heart

This photo is taken at Kuching. Oh how much I miss that I could just get out of regular life and go somewhere else to play, to eat, to enjoy, to take photos. 

I've been busy and also slacking over assignments which kill me slowly... All those stress and pressures that make my heart so weary. I feel so useless and that feeling sucks. 

It's hard to produce good works in a short period. Even if you could, people might not think it is a good work. Is a good work be recognized when only you have rejected and failed for a hundred times and the time you taken is long enough to show that you've put your efforts in? Maybe I didn't try enough? I feel so stress whenever my lecturer pressure me and rejected my works. My senior comforted me, she said, it is because my lecturer believes I could do much better than what I've showed him. That's why he has to pressure me and rejected my works. Seriously, I should be glad or should I feel ashamed about myself that I couldn't produce a good work before my lecturer pressured me? I don't want to be pressure, I wanted to escape and do nothing for now. This is the least productive week ever. I slacked, like a lot. I did nothing after he rejected my CIS work. I'm already late and slow in the whole process. I could not ever finished my works on time since my lecturer keeps rejected my works and so I don't really give a damn about dateline anymore. 

I'm so scared. I'm afraid that how many marks could I get for my project? This is important cause I would rather die than resit or retake the subject. I have no extra money to go through this hell again. I have no clue about what my lecturer wants. It isn't what I want anymore. My first idea of my project already long gone and now I can only do what he likes and wants, not mine. Like I have to please him and lose myself. I have no directions and I have no motivation. I am stuck in my project and I feel so lost. I'm not sure what should I do now and I'm not to dare to think what's up next. 

I escape from the reality and indulge myself with 0 progression. I numbed myself with music and movies. I need to express my feelings out so I write this post. I wanted to talk to someone but I didn't really did. Cause I think other people would not understand and I shouldn't trouble someone to listen to all my craps, grumbles and complains. They should probably think I annoy them or whatsoever. I feel so emo and I kept too much to myself until I feel so suffocated and breathless. Some feelings that killing me inside are hard to be express. Maybe I pushed myself too hard and just simply make my burdens heavier. I don't know how to not be so stressful. I think I'm getting paranoid and started to think how if I get depression or something awful?

So many negative thoughts that devouring my mind. I need time to get myself together and fight. It is good to express with words even though it cannot be fully express with.